Essay Correction: Family Topic [Task 2]

One of my Chinese students wrote an essay on the following topic, which I corrected and am sharing here for the benefit of my website readers. You can see her essay below, as well as my edits. For practice, you may want to try marking her essay yourself! Spotting mistakes is a great way to boost your own IELTS writing skills. If you want me to mark your essay, check the information at the bottom of the page.

Question:

Some people think family has the most powerful influence on children’s development. Others, however, believe that other things have greater effects.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answer:

It is quite common for people to believe that the majority influence to children is made by their parents. Others think otherwise, insist that child’s growing is most effected by other things such as schools and their friends. I think parents have a irreplaceable influence ti their children, but not the main factor for them.

The family people are the first people since children birth. They give a directly influence to their children to build the world outlook, and decided the initial characteristic of their children to build the world outlook,and decided the initial characteristic of their child. A good parent can help children to know what is important in life, what role they will play in their world, and how they are expected to behave.

However, learning to understand and share the value system of the whole society cannot be achieved just in the home. Once a child goes to school, he or she is entering a wider community where teachers and peers will have influence on them. At school, children will experience working and living with people from a whole variety of backgrounds from the wider society. This experience should teach them how to cooperate with each other and how to contribute to the life of their community.

In conclusion, I think that growing is a course for an individual goes on learning throughout life and every experience effects people to build up their characteristic. There are many factors which all has great effects work on younger generation to become active and able members of that society.

Corrected Essay:

It is quite common for people to believe that the majority of influence on children is made by their parents. Others think otherwise, insisting that a child’s growth is most affected by other things such as schools and their friends. I think parents have an irreplaceable influence on their children, but that this is not the main factor for them.

Family is the first major influence on a child. They give have direct influence on children in building their world outlook, and deciding the initial characteristics a child.. A good parent can help children to know what is important in life, what role they will play in their world, and how they are expected to behave.

However, learning to understand and share the value system of the whole society cannot be achieved just in the home. Once a child goes to school, he or she is entering a wider community where teachers and peers will exert an influence on them. At school, children will experience working and living with people from a whole variety of backgrounds from the wider society. This experience teaches them how to cooperate with each other and how to contribute to the life of their community.

In conclusion, I think that growing up is a continuing learning process throughout life and every experience affects people to develop their characteristics. There are many factors which all have great effects on younger generations to become active and able members of that society.

Notes:

Overall, her structure was good but she made a lot of mistakes in word form. For example, notice she twice mistook “affect” and “effect.” The second paragraph was definitely the weak link in the essay, but the third was far better.

If you want to see the document fully marked up, you can view or download it as a Microsoft Word file:

 

If you want me to mark your IELTS essay, please send an e-mail to david@ted-ielts.com. My fee is US$25 and for that I will mark your essay fully and give you detailed advice on how to improve it.

Related posts:

Author: David S. Wills

David S. Wills is the author of Scientologist! William S. Burroughs and the 'Weird Cult' and the founder/editor of Beatdom literary journal. He lives and works in rural China, and loves to travel.

Share This Post On

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *