Essay Correction: Task 1

Yesterday I brought you a student’s essay, which I had corrected, from IELTS Writing Task 2. Today, I will correct an essay from Task 1.

Question

» You are advised to spend about  20 minutes on this task.

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

» You should write at least 150 words.

IELTS Water Use Pie Chart

Student Essay

The six pie chart below illustrate the using proportion of water from three different parts in six rations of the world.

Generally, in the relatively developed continents, including North America and the Europe, the pattern of water-usage distribution has the same trend, while other four undeveloped countries indicates another type of gaps.

In North America and the Europe, the major use of water is industry, approximately half of the whole (48% and 53%), followed by that of agriculture, which occupied more than one-third of the total. By contrast, the using of water resources for residents is the least, with only 14% and 15% respectively, which still largely exceed the figures for the other four nations.

In other four countries, water using for agriculture holds the most part, each having around 80%, and even the least, the date for South America still has 71%. In correspondence, no more than 10% domestic use in Central Asia and Southeast Asia, and these area even use less water in industry which about 5% to 12%. While people in South America has a highest percentage of water in four countries, which is 19%, it still only has 10% in industrial use.

Overall, the water resource in developed countries are focused on industry whereas undeveloped ones put most water resource on there agriculture.

 

Comments

There are a lot of mistakes here, especially in the first paragraph. For one thing, it is important not to repeat the word “below” in the introduction. Remember that you are writing on a different piece of paper to the actual illustrations. This student has attempted to paraphrase the question, which is good, but she has created a very illogical sentence as a result.

In the body of this description, there is too much detail, and it is not well structured. She should have used two paragraphs – one to describe the developed continents, and one to describe the undeveloped continents. Aside from this, there were many errors in grammar and word use.

 

Corrected Version

The pie charts show water use in six regions of the world, divided into three categories – industrial, agricultural, and domestic use. In North America and Europe, which can be said to comprise the developed world, the patterns of water use are very similar, whereas in the undeveloped regions there are a variety of water distribution patterns.

In North America and Europe, the primary use for water is in industry, with industrial use comprising about half of these regions’ water consumption. This is followed by agricultural use, which makes up very roughly one-third of the water. In contrast, domestic use of water is a relatively small part of the entire water consumption of these regions at just 13% and 15%, respectively.

In the other four regions, agricultural use of water is dominant, making up roughly 80% of the total water used. In contrast, no more than 12% of water is used for industrial purposes in these four regions, and only South America has more than 10% of its water marked for domestic use. Thus, they stand in stark contrast to North America and Europe.

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Author: David S. Wills

David S. Wills is the author of Scientologist! William S. Burroughs and the 'Weird Cult' and the founder/editor of Beatdom literary journal. He lives and works in rural China, and loves to travel.

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